I's jus slow!

"Don't beat me massa, I'sa comin, I's jus slow"...

Sad to say it has taken me till today, Thursday morning to recover from the beating I took last Sunday morning... at church.

After the service I saw the pastors wife and didn't allow our eyes to meet as I slipped out the side door. "I've been coming too regular" I thought to myself. I felt exposed and embarrassed for not helping carry more weight.

My memory serves me well even after all of these years. I know what it is like to put out week after week and my imagination had her looking at me and wondering why I hadn't jumped on board yet and offered a hand. I just knew had she seen me, she would be thinking "loser or user".

Why can't I just get with the program and at least offer to help park cars or something? Sunday mornings are the hardest part of my week. I feel bad if I don't go but often end up feeling worse when I do. Shame on me!

It was Jen Johnson's song this morning that again awakened my heart...Jesus was singing over me "I am yours and you are mine, I am ravished by your sight, just one glimpse into your eyes, a lover coming for his bride."

That wasn't what I heard last Sunday.... For some reason the enemy of my heart and everything beautiful in me was able to snag me again with his lies.

I know it wasn't the intention of the pastor. The message was on dreaming. And I'm a dreamer but some how the enemy got in with the message and I was left feeling that I didn't quite measure up. That my life was rather worthless by comparison, and somehow my successes didn't at all rival his successes in ministry... if only I was doing more, working harder, and serving the vision of the institution my sorry assed life would amount to something beautiful and important.

Problem is as I confessed to a friend, "nothing they were doing was ringing any bells in my heart". "I sure hate it" I confessed. "It usually leaves me feeling like a loser". "What is wrong with me?" "Why can't I just get with the program?" "I have ZERO interest in most of the activities or serving in the opportunities recommended."

Why do I allow this lie to enter my heart....that my value is based in my performance or at least in what the religious world values as important???
And why isn't Sunday morning with the folks a place where we enter into our truest identity as we bathe ourselves in his presence?

Why is it that Sunday mornings are generally the time and place where we get shamed into this pretense of song and dance.

I understand that comparing, competing and controlling is standard fare in the shame based world we were born into but why isn't Sunday morning a safe place and a healing place?

FREEDOM!!!

Yes... with tears streaming down my cheeks, freedom from the lies finally came this morning as he sang over me ..."I am ravished by your sight, Lloyd!!!!"

"Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take him at his word, just to rest upon his promise, just to know thus saith the Lord"

"I's jus slow to get this."
"Lord I am sorry it took me till Thursday."
"I am sorry I wasted this week beating myself up."
"Thank you for loving me in this season, and for looking at me the way you do.""You really think I'm gorgeous? 
I am?"

NOTE- I wrote this blog the other day and it is now Saturday again.... the day before Sunday...
His love has again awakened my heart... securing me and convicting me....


"Lord it's not your church that is the problem. It is this thing called shame, and I have been as big a shoveler of this as any."

"Thank you for securing me in your arms, Help me to live shame free today so that those around me feel only honor...."

Is God Color Blind?

Yes I know it may surprise you but I still sin on occasion. Sin happens! I'm not proud of it! But it does happen.

Some believe that we all sin in thought word and deed every day and that our approach to a Holy God is always first as sinners. I'm not in that school of thought any more. I now believe that I am a saint, (old things are past away, all things have became new!) and sainthood is always my starting place.

I am discovering that he looks at me with delight regardless of my failures or successes.

I no longer believe groveling in his presence is a sign of humility. In fact I think it might even embarrass him a little. I know that lie is what holds you powerless to change....by experience.

I now believe He has always loved me and has always seen me as his son from the moment I was conceived. Yes I fell off the wagon many times. In my story especially after repeated attempts at holiness and repeated failure the humble approach always started with groveling. Smiting my breast and proclaiming some version of "I am such an untrustworthy pitiful wretch.... Oh Most Holy and Gracious Heavenly Father I am so unworthy to eat the crumbs from off your table. I am such a screw up. Make me your slave".

Is God color blind? No. Does God hate sin? Yes.

Yet I find it so amazing how God comes to me when I am at my worst; as Jesus so often demonstrated throughout the gospels, and honors me seemingly as equals with seeming disregard for my failure.

I am discovering that he actually believes in the power of his own story!

What happened on the cross is really big!!

God now sees me with the value and honor that he placed there. This thing about adoption into His family and redemption is a really big deal and he actually relates with me from that reality, regardless of my failures, unbelief, fear or shame.

I am the pearl in the field that he felt was worth selling everything for…..the lost sheep, the lost coin.

It’s not that sin is unimportant. Sin is it’s own worst consequence and shame is the fruit. And repentance is just the acknowledgement that I am not capable to change on my own.

But as a son of a very good father and due to the value he placed in me on that cross 2,000 years ago, sin is now powerless to conform me to it’s image any longer. The child in me gets this. God now sees me and relates to me as his son in the full potential of his redemption.

I believe this is true!

Anthony Skinner sings- I was a thief. He said “I stole his heart.” I was ashamed. He called me “beautiful.”

When I fall into sin's trap and then allow it to dictate my identity I am blinding myself to my truest identity and the value that redemption has placed on me.....and subjecting myself to sin's power.

Redemption is the lens through which Christ now sees me. Redemption has restored me to my original created value as his child. Redemption is now the lens through which I see myself.

"My Father is very Fond of me!" I Behold him beholding me and smiling!

This means that I can now climb up in his lap at any time, even at my worst. Yes I am still flawed but a saint non the less and my sin is no longer my starting place.

God came disguised as a man to demonstrate his absolute desire for face time with us. Hahaha. Don't let fear, shame, self loathing or disgust cheat you out of the relationship he gave everything for.

Sainthood people, sainthood!