I's jus slow!

"Don't beat me massa, I'sa comin, I's jus slow"...

Sad to say it has taken me till today, Thursday morning to recover from the beating I took last Sunday morning... at church.

After the service I saw the pastors wife and didn't allow our eyes to meet as I slipped out the side door. "I've been coming too regular" I thought to myself. I felt exposed and embarrassed for not helping carry more weight.

My memory serves me well even after all of these years. I know what it is like to put out week after week and my imagination had her looking at me and wondering why I hadn't jumped on board yet and offered a hand. I just knew had she seen me, she would be thinking "loser or user".

Why can't I just get with the program and at least offer to help park cars or something? Sunday mornings are the hardest part of my week. I feel bad if I don't go but often end up feeling worse when I do. Shame on me!

It was Jen Johnson's song this morning that again awakened my heart...Jesus was singing over me "I am yours and you are mine, I am ravished by your sight, just one glimpse into your eyes, a lover coming for his bride."

That wasn't what I heard last Sunday.... For some reason the enemy of my heart and everything beautiful in me was able to snag me again with his lies.

I know it wasn't the intention of the pastor. The message was on dreaming. And I'm a dreamer but some how the enemy got in with the message and I was left feeling that I didn't quite measure up. That my life was rather worthless by comparison, and somehow my successes didn't at all rival his successes in ministry... if only I was doing more, working harder, and serving the vision of the institution my sorry assed life would amount to something beautiful and important.

Problem is as I confessed to a friend, "nothing they were doing was ringing any bells in my heart". "I sure hate it" I confessed. "It usually leaves me feeling like a loser". "What is wrong with me?" "Why can't I just get with the program?" "I have ZERO interest in most of the activities or serving in the opportunities recommended."

Why do I allow this lie to enter my heart....that my value is based in my performance or at least in what the religious world values as important???
And why isn't Sunday morning with the folks a place where we enter into our truest identity as we bathe ourselves in his presence?

Why is it that Sunday mornings are generally the time and place where we get shamed into this pretense of song and dance.

I understand that comparing, competing and controlling is standard fare in the shame based world we were born into but why isn't Sunday morning a safe place and a healing place?

FREEDOM!!!

Yes... with tears streaming down my cheeks, freedom from the lies finally came this morning as he sang over me ..."I am ravished by your sight, Lloyd!!!!"

"Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take him at his word, just to rest upon his promise, just to know thus saith the Lord"

"I's jus slow to get this."
"Lord I am sorry it took me till Thursday."
"I am sorry I wasted this week beating myself up."
"Thank you for loving me in this season, and for looking at me the way you do.""You really think I'm gorgeous? 
I am?"

NOTE- I wrote this blog the other day and it is now Saturday again.... the day before Sunday...
His love has again awakened my heart... securing me and convicting me....


"Lord it's not your church that is the problem. It is this thing called shame, and I have been as big a shoveler of this as any."

"Thank you for securing me in your arms, Help me to live shame free today so that those around me feel only honor...."